GUN CONTROL:

Diamond Joe Quimby knows that guns don't kill people - the bullets do. That's why Joe will be limiting each American to 25 bullets a year (or 20 for convicted felons). Under this plan, Joe predicts a 15% reduction in shootings, and a 25% increase in pistol whippings, which the Mayor has always considered the coolest-looking form of personal assault.

If elected, Joe will radically increase immigration from Russia, the Philippines, and all other major stripper-producing nations. According to Joe, "America truly is a land of immigrants, from the luscious Salma Hayek to the delightfully mischievous Lucky Charms Leprechaun."

Joe will ensure that no child graduates high school without such basic skills as knowing how to mix a dry martini or how to hide an unconscious showgirl in the maid's quarters.

In addition, Joe will vastly expand the number of college scholarships. Notes the mayor, "If my experience is any indication, college can be the best six years of a young person's life."

According to scientists, the 90s were the hottest decade in recorded history, because of the continued use of CFC gases. Joe considers this an awesome achievement, but thinks we can still do better.

If every American sprays just one can of cooking spray into the atmosphere per week, by 2005 Alaska will be a tropical paradise, and the entire Gulf of Mexico will go up in flames, resulting in an abundance of delicious grilled swordfish.

Under Joe's plan, Americans will stop paying taxes altogether. We will simply send the military across our northern border every morning, and beat up the Canadians for their lunch money. This will provide us with more than enough money for highway construction, military infrastructure, and a really cool collection of comic books.

By the end of his first term, Joe promises to learn the name of all 50 states— with the exception of "all those squirrelly little states back east that all look like postage stamps."

In the past, many Presidents have used their clout to help end conflict in Northern Ireland, and the Middle East. President Quimby would continue this tradition, and will work to bring peace between Belgium and Luxembourg. In addition, he vows to end years of bloody conflict between Tide and the leading national brand.

If elected, Joe's first major legislative goal will be to provide free penicillin shots to anyone suffering from venereal disease, or as he calls it, "The fire down below." As he stirringly declared in his campaign kick-off, "With enough will, we can end crabs in our lifetime."

Like Whitney Houston, Joe Quimby believes the children are our future. That's why he supports rolling back the voting age to 16 and the statutory age to 15 - no, let's say 14. Until then, Joe wants to remind all those teens out there that although they may not be able to vote, they can still contribute to his campaign. As the Mayor says, "You may be green, but so is your money."

Al Gore may have invented the internet, but "Diamond" Joe Quimby invented the Accu-Grip "personal comfort device", available through mail-order ads in the back of most major adult publications. If elected, Quimby will continue this commitment to high-technology, investing $100 billion to build a satellite based defense system that can also descramble porn.